To round up our marriage discussion in this Holy Month of Ramadan, let’s talk about some guides that can make our marriage eternal. This is due to the fact that more marriages are breaking up in their first year than ever before.

In marriage, the first five to seven years are the most challenging. They are the time a couple spends getting to know each other better and adjusting to each other’s habits and personalities. What I will point out below are the main problems couples face in the early years and some possible solutions.

One of the main problems is the lack of proper information before marriage. A number of problems are caused simply by the fact that the couple and their families have not discussed crucial issues beforehand. Most of these issues include whether or not the wife will work outside the home or not; child bearing and upbringing issues; and whether the couple will live with their parents or have their own separate dwelling.

Another big problem in marriage is the tug-of-war issue. Who is in charge?   This often leads to arguments and disrespect as well as bitter feelings. Many couples in our society refuse to compromise when differences arise.

Looking at thing from Islamic perspective, the husband is given the leadership role in the marriage relationship. This doesn’t mean he runs the couple’s family life like a dictatorship. The couple should live in free and friendly atmosphere. As head of the family, you are a leader. As a leader you must also have humility. A husband exercises the right kind of leadership by listening to and consulting his wife. A husband is bound to follow the rules of the two Holy Books. Therefore, if there are differences in opinion, one should refer to these two Holy Books.

Divorce is one word couples should avoid using. It is not good to threaten one’s partner with “I will divorce you one day” or “it is my letter of divorce that I am waiting for”. Once upon a time, divorce was the seven-letter word most religious couples avoided. But today it is becoming the pet name within the family both in the provinces and in the cities.

It should be remembered that out of all of the things Allah has made righteous, divorce is the one He hates the most. Couples need to look at several other alternatives before turning to this drastic measure.

Couples should seek the help of older, wiser and trustworthy elders who will try to help them resolve their differences. Generally, husband and wife need to make a sincere, concerted effort to try to work things out before divorce is seriously considered.
Another problem is the issue of extra-marital affairs. It is unrealistic to expect the issue of affairs and affairs-related problems to mysteriously disappear once a couple gets married. In reality, it takes time, commitment, disappointment and investment to establish a good love relationship in marriage, which is in tune with the needs of each partner.

Religiously, it is important for a couple to go into marriage with proper information about affairs and affairs etiquette. They need to know what is permissible and what is forbidden. They should also keep in mind that spouses must never discuss their affairs with others, unless it is to get help for a specific problem with the right person or authority figure. On a similar note, it is important for both the husband and wife to remember that they need to make themselves physically attractive to each other. Too many couples take marriage to mean an excuse to let themselves go.
 
Another major thing that should not be overlooked in marriage concerns in-laws. The first few years of marriage are not just a period of adjustment for the married couple. It is one of getting used to in-laws and vice-versa. Problems with in-laws problem sometimes cause a lot of damage in a young couple’s married life.

Husbands, wives and in-laws need to practice the religion which lays down rules of the social relation with each other.  Also, comparisons need to be avoided, since every individual and every couple is different. So wives should not be compared to mothers and sisters. Likewise, husbands should not be compared to fathers and brothers. In-laws should not be compared to parents and so on.

Remember realism in marriage. Boy meets girl and they fall in love. They live happily ever after. That is the scenario of many a Bollywood, Nollywood and Hollywood movie, where everyone is perfect. In real life, it is very different. So a couple may enter marriage with high-flying romantic ideas and expecting their partner to be the ideal human. But nature takes effect. This is because all humans have good and bad points. Husband and wife have to learn to accept other.

Try to establish your own lifestyle and rituals as a couple. It is very important if both the couples are working or going to school. The following can be established as rituals: Attending a study circle together, deciding on a weekly or daily menu, praying at least one prayer together everyday, having a special breakfast together every weekend or each holiday.  Additionally, you can set a time or day to discuss finances and budget with your partner, making a phone contact during the day when you are at work or school and so on.

Doing the above as rituals, couples learn how to talk to and feel responsible for each other. They also learn to become a team instead of two people living in the same house with separate lives.

A number of young couples are notorious for not keeping secrets, especially related to private matters. They expose their spouse’s faults. This is not only unacceptable but it is unreligious. Spouses should seek to hide each other’s faults. They should seek advice on marriage problems from a marriage mentor or counsellor. That is someone who is older, wiser, trustworthy, and has the best interests of both parties at heart.

A special note to husbands: in the beginning of marriage, husbands tend to shower their wives with gifts. They do this as an expression of love and because they want to provide for their wives. However, as time passes and they keep giving, they go into debt or experience financial difficulty. Furthermore, wives get used to a certain level of comfort which husbands can no longer afford.

Providing for a wife (and later on, a family) is not just reserved to material things. It includes spending time with her, and treating her with equity and kindness. In fact, most wives prefer this kind of provision to expensive gifts.

To round up this marriage survival, give each other space. A number of couples think being married means always being together and serving each other on hand and foot. A wife may initially take over all household chores, not letting the husband help or even do his own things (ie ironing his own clothes). They later regret this as household responsibilities increase and their husbands become dependent on them for the smallest things.

Husbands may think getting married means being with their wives all the time. This may later lead them to becoming irritable and cranky. The key is to focus on being caring, fond of and accepting each other and giving each other sufficient space. Doing this provides a necessary balance in a relationship which is so close physically and emotionally.